Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

Edith_S · 2022-02-26 18:15:00

This is my good night site's offer for today:

https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-warns … ns-admiral

and a gender pronoun video as bonus:

Featured - many more funny twists of today's crazy world.....

You are welcome to contribute !

AVA · 2022-02-26 20:39:10

Thanks Edith, I am happy you started this, I also wanted to start a thread "on the lighter side"
For your enjoyment - excerpts from a randomly opened page of the book, ET 101: A Cosmic Instruction Manual:

"Rules for Dysfunctional Patterns

Step 1. In Rome Do As The Romans

Upon arrival to the Earth plane, your instructions wee to completely fall asleep - just like the local population. You were to totally forget your true identity, and everything you knew. Since imagination threatens the dysfunctionality of this world, it was probably drummed out of you as soon as possible. In this manner, the local planetary inhabitants unwittingly assisted in maintaining the secrecy of your presence and the security of the mission.

Step 2. In Rome, Do As The Arcturians

Step 2 of the transmutational process cannot begin until the successful completion of step 1. In short, you must be able to pass for a local, and you are not allowed to just fake it. Total dysfunctionality must be achieved before step 2 can commence.

Step 2 of the transmutational procedure entails waking up to your true identity and forgetting everything you learned up to this point. You are to junk the entire identity you just spent a lifetime laboriously creating. Yes, you understood the preceding entry correctly. You are to disengage yourself from a declining Rome. After falling asleep profoundly you are now expected to wake up, equally profoundly. Now is the time to dismantle all false identity. Now is the time to forget that which has been learned in deference to that which is deeply known. Now begins the awesome process of altering human history. Now is the time for everything, and now is here.

Gentle Reminder

Some of you are probably wondering why such a torturous route was chosen to get to the desired destination. The reason you are wondering this is because you have been on the planet too long and have absorbed some, if not all, of its dysfunctional thinking. Keep in mind that this planet is no model for rational thought, and that what passes as sanity here is sending chills down the spine of the remainder of the universe.

The need to absorb the dysfunctionality of the planet is in order to legitimately disarm its patterns. Any other method would constitute an invasion, and we do not invade. Although we have had transmissions from many of you screaming “Invade already. Just get me out of here!”, we regretfully remind you that that is not what you signed up for. Getting out of here is not the point. Getting more light into here is. Remember?"

Edith_S · 2022-02-27 07:44:09

Thanks AVA, that was a good one !!

and under the same tone, comes this :

https://off-guardian.org/2022/02/19/ope … n-trudeau/

Edith_S · 2022-03-03 14:25:14

Intercom

A Jumbojet was coming into London Heathrow after a long-haul trip from Singapore and the captain opened the intercom and said 'Ladies and gentlemen we are now making our final approach into Heathrow, we hope you've enjoyed flying with RarelyCrash Airways and that we'll see you again soon, please have a safe onward journey' at which point he forgot to turn the intercom off.

He turned to the co-pilot and said 'well Roger what plans do you have for the rest of the day?' the co-pilot replied 'My wife will be at the hotel, Mike, and she's got seats booked for a West-End show, I don't know which one, what plans do you have?'

The cabin crew and passengers meanwhile are quite enjoying this change from the norm.

The captain continued 'as you know my divorce was finalised last week so I'll be taking a long soak in the bath before ordering dinner in my room. I'm thinking that after that I'll call the pretty new blonde stewardess working upstairs, Susanne I think her name is, and take her out for a drink then take her back to my room and give her a damn good seeing to'

At that moment the passengers cheered loudly and in the upper deck Susanne realised the intercom was still on by accident and she had to get downstairs and let them know. She ran up the aisle and tripped headlong over an old ladys handbag which was poking out into the aisle.

The old lady looked down at the spread-eagled young woman and said 'there's no need to hurry love, he's going to have a bath first'

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/pilotjokes.html

Edith_S · 2022-03-03 14:30:49

Pilots Vs Maintenance Engineers

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce the problem on the ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
S: #2 Propeller seepage normal – #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

And the best one for last.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Edith_S · 2022-03-06 13:41:46

For Seniors in general:

https://babylonbee.com/news/dc-hospital … last-night

and for ladies....

Grannie was 80 yr old when she decided to lead a healthy life - that is to walk 4 miles daily. And so she did !

Now she is 85 , and we have no idea where she could be....

Edith_S · 2022-03-08 12:41:22

Today is Women's day, so, just in case you feel frustrated, let's see what men has to say about that...

Beware of the landladies. The dog is harmless…
……………
The woman - at least take me to the restaurant
The man - I don't go out with married women !
She - but I'm your wife !!!
The man - I make no exceptions!
…………..
Today I demonstrated to my wife what it's like when I go shoe shopping with her.
I drove from one pub to another, then after the tenth we went back to the first and I bought a pint.

Edith_S · 2022-03-17 09:17:51

Good questions:

What did the astronauts say to NASA when they notified them that their mission was complete and they could return to Earth? - Thanks, but no thanks !

Why are spiders so smart? - They can find everything on the web

If ignorance is truly bliss, then why do so many people need Prozac?

Why are mushrooms always invited to parties? - They’re a fungi.

Last year my husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.” Turned out, we would be spending two weeks behind the fridge.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog — we laughed a lot.

PS- MY CAT REALLY UNDERSTANDS ME !!! Go figure....

Last edited by Edith_S (2022-03-17 09:21:24)

07wideeyes · 2022-03-17 22:03:05

Yes, I like this thread too! Unfortunately I threw away the jokes from the Christmas crackers last year, or I would be able to contribute.... Actually, the funniest thing about Christmas cracker jokes (surely an exclusively British thing?) is trying to explain them to my wife, who's from Colombia. No, the funniest thing is the expression on her face when I'm trying to explain them; Definitely not her style.....

I wonder if Taygetans would like Christmas crackers? There's a video about them liking retro stuff and other curiosities.

Edith_S · 2022-03-18 04:32:16

Hi 07wideeyes,

found these in your dustbin after a brief search. Are these you are looking for?

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/christmas/0 … okes-2021/

Edith_S · 2022-03-24 08:06:37

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EU9NNomTGM

Jackie Chan Hilariously Critiques Amateur Stunt People - good observations and predictions

and for animal lovers

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jqJLcfPgNI

07wideeyes · 2022-04-02 08:32:30

Edith_S wrote:

Hi 07wideeyes,
found these in your dustbin after a brief search. Are these you are looking for?
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/christmas/0 … okes-2021/

I forgot to acknowledge the results of your christmas cracker search, Edith! Some of the jokes there are scarily familiar.....

And this might be a bit dark for the thread. If so, somebody just post 'Wide Eyes, delete it', and it will be done. Anyhoo, this is a true story from last weekend. It appeals to my sometimes weird sense of humour, and seems to sum up much about the past two years....

I was in the supermarket, here in Scotland, where face muzzles remain 'mandatory'. I was in the supermarket, and there was this guy, masked up of course, checking out the cheeses or something. He could feel a tickle coming on. So he pulled down his mask, sneezed loud and hard all over the cheeses and everyone within 100 metres. Then he pulled up his nice clean mask again, and got on with his shopping. Nobody apart from me seemed to notice anything 'anomalous' about this behaviour at all......

Edith_S · 2022-04-02 09:29:31

Hello o7wideeyes !

Zombies everywhere...some had an excuse - alcohol :

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/193795590187023240/

Edith_S · 2022-04-02 09:39:13

Murphy's Law

https://www.ba-bamail.com/jokes/best-jokes/?jokeid=1216

Edith_S · 2022-04-03 09:57:31

Domest-icated jokes

1. It's hard to find a good reason...
The court is hearing a divorce case. The judge asks the plaintiff wife to state her reasons.
- Honorable court! My husband has sold all the kitchen equipment and drunk the price of it - the husband jumps up from his seat and shouts.
- I also ask for a divorce! My wife didn't notice it was missing until three weeks later!

2. Daddy Stork calls his three sons to report how many children they have delivered recently.

The eldest stork says he has delivered triplets to the village's mayor, the middle one delivered twins to the village's priest
The little stork excuses himself:

- Daddy, please understand, I'm small, my wings are still weak, can't carry a baby, but I scared the hell out of the postwoman !!!!!

3. A doctor in a small village is retiring and is replaced by a young colleague.
Together they visit the patients, and the older doctor introduces the younger one to all the patients.

One woman complains:
- "Doctor, lately my stomach has been burning and hurting all the time.
The elderly doctor replies:
- Have you eaten too much fresh fruit? I think you should eat less and you'll be fine.
When the two doctors leave the house, the young doctor asks in amazement:
- How could you make a diagnosis so quickly, since you didn't even examine her?
- Simple. I dropped my stethoscope, and when I bent down, I saw that the bin under the table was full of banana peels. So I knew immediately what the problem was.

They go on to another house where they are greeted by a young woman.
Now it's the young doctor's turn. She tells him the complaint:
- "Doctor, lately I've been feeling exhausted all the time, I'm feeling very weak.
- Well, madam, perhaps you shouldn't do so much voluntary work for the church, you should rest more.

When they leave the house, the elderly doctor is shocked and asks his colleague:
- How did you know that? You haven't even examined her, you don't even know her.
- Simple. When I dropped my stethoscope and bent down to pick it up, I saw the reverend under the bed.

4.An old man wanted to plant tomatoes in his garden. The soil was too hard and the old man could not dig it up. The only son who could help him was in prison.
The father wrote this letter to his son in prison.

Dear Son!
I want to plant tomatoes in the garden, but the soil is so hard that I can't dig it up myself. I know that if you were home, my problem would be solved.
A few days later, the boy wrote his father a letter in reply...

Dear Father!!
Don't dig up the garden because there are dead bodies buried there!!
Your son...

The next morning, the policemen went out at 4:00 a.m. and dug up the whole garden. Since they found no bodies, they apologized to the old man and left.

Two days later, another letter came from the prison.

Dear Father! Because of the circumstances, that's all I could do. You can plant your tomatoes now.
With love... your son

Last edited by Edith_S (2022-04-05 14:10:23)

Edith_S · 2022-04-05 14:02:24

A baby was born in a villager family. After a few years, the child is doing well: walking, smiling, playing. The only problem is that he should be talking, but he just doesn't. He turns six, but nothing.

The parents are worried, they take him to the doctor. The doctor finds nothing wrong, but the reason for his silence is a mystery to him.
Time passes, and eventually the parents accept. If he doesn't talk, he doesn't talk, after all he is their son.
Somewhere around the child's 14th birthday, the family gathers for lunch. Soup is simmering on the plates.
Suddenly the child speaks:
- Salt!
The whole family is surprised.
- "Oh, I'm so happy!" says his mother.
- I am talking.
- For God's sake, why haven't you said anything?
- The soup's been pretty salty so far.

..

- Man, I can't stand Andrew.
- Neither can I.
- How much do you owe him?

.....

Old man is sitting on the train, the conductor comes:
- Tickets, tickets please!
The old man starts looking around. The conductor sees the ticket pinned on the old man's hat and thinks he's going to fool him.
- You know what? By the time I check the train, I'll have the ticket!
The conductor comes back and asks:
- You got it?
The old man starts looking again, and they arrive at the station. Says the conductor:
- I'll let you go this time!
The old man gets off, grinning.
- There's the ticket, pinned to your hat! - shouts the conductor
- I know, son, I bought that last week!

Edith_S · 2022-04-06 08:36:48

Do you like hats? I'm mad about cats...

Hurray! My beloved cat disappeared 10 months ago and reappeared yesterday - as if nothing happened, she made it clear she is the boss and now the other two have to show due respect to HER MAJESTY !

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VFrkxn1F0U

And some jokes

- Doctor, my wife will be coming to see you soon with our old cat. Please give her an injection that will make it go away painlessly.
- All right, but who will look after the cat afterwards?
......

Thoughts of a dog:
- I live here with this man who feeds me, gives me warm shelter, pets me and loves me. So he is God!
Thoughts of a cat:
- I live here with this man. He feeds me, strokes me, cleans me, gives me shelter. So that means I am God!
......

A man really hates his wife's cat and decides to get rid of it. He puts it in his car and drives 10 streets away, drops it off in the park and drives home. Just as he arrives home he sees the cat walking leisurely up the stairs of their apartment.
The next day he drives 30 blocks away, but by the time he gets home the cat is home. The next day, he drives 30 km further, turns off onto a highway, and then takes a side road for another 10 km or so. Here he goes into a forest and lets the cat out.
After a few hours, the wife's phone rings:
- Mary, is the cat home?
- Yes, home.
- Put her on the phone, I'm completely lost and I want to ask her for directions!
..........

Diary of the cat:
Day 453
My captor keeps dangling bizarre little hanging objects in front of my nose that look like fresh pieces of meat. To eat, he gives me food that resembles dry sawdust. The only thing that keeps me alive is the hope of escape. And the joy of destroying a piece of furniture every day. I'm going to chew up a houseplant...

Day 460
My attempt today to kill my captor by wrapping myself around his legs almost succeeded. I'll have to try the same thing when he's at the top of the stairs. To deter and intimidate my vile oppressor, I managed to vomit on his favorite chair again. Next time, I'm going to his bed.

Day 462
I slept all day so that I would have the strength to demand food at night, meowing loudly for hours.

Day 467
I captured a mouse, decapitated it, and took it to my captor to see what I could do to make him afraid. Instead, he patted me and said, "Good kitty!" Well, that didn't work!

Day 472
They were having some kind of gathering, so they put me in another room for the night. I could hear the noises and smell that awful slop they call beer. I also heard them talking about some ability I supposedly had, an allergy or something. I should learn to use that better!

Day 475
I think the other prisoners are sycophants or informers. The dog is often released and always returns happy. He must be half-witted. The bird, on the other hand, is definitely a snitch. Somehow he's been trained to speak their language and talks to them regularly. I'm sure he reports my every move. In its current location, in the metal room, it's safe for now, but I can wait. It's only a matter of time.

Edith_S · 2022-04-13 04:55:41

After reading DarkOwl post, about Kim Gog (and Magog ), I had to post something more nice...and true. I never trusted her, anyway...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8IPXZOWOis

Last edited by Edith_S (2022-04-13 07:01:45)

Edith_S · 2022-04-13 06:55:20

second episode:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LerKjFj7V0

Last edited by Edith_S (2022-04-13 06:57:40)

Edith_S · 2022-04-14 07:23:53

Brief exchange between father and son:

No money, not funny - Sonny
How sad, to bad - Dad
...........

Father: Let me see your report card.
Johnny: I don’t have it.
Father: Why not?
Johnny: My friend borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.
.......................

Son: Mom, yesterday when I was on the bus with dad, dad told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Good, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mom I was sitting on dad's lap.
.................

Father: "And why do you think it is necessary to be quiet in church?"
Son: "Because other people are sleeping."
...............

Edith_S · 2022-04-18 04:18:33

What about "Saints and Sinners"??

The Pope decides to go to Rome incognito. He gets into a limousine with tinted windows and tells the driver to go to the city!

But the driver is scared to death, because he's never taken the Pope alone before, he's always accompanied by a line of bodyguards, and he's very nervous that something might happen, so they trundle along at a snail's pace.

The Pope tells the driver to go faster, but the driver refuses to go faster than 40. The Pope gets fed up and says:
- Let's swap places, I'll show you how to drive!

The swap is made, the Pope flooring the accelerator. Of course, they are spotted by a police car and taken down. One of the policemen jumps out, walks over to the driver's side window, which rolls down noiselessly. The policeman sees the Pope, then apologizes and runs back to the police car. His partner angrily asks:

- What, why didn't you punish him, you idiot?
- You, I didn't dare, there was such an important person in that car...
- Not the mayor? Well, he should be, he treats us so badly!
- No, no, a more important person...
- Not one of those corrupt ministers?
- No, no, more important...
- The Prime Minister?
- No, no...
- Well, who the hell, spit it out!
- I don't know, but the Pope himself is his driver...
................

The young engaged couple are involved in a car accident the day before their wedding. They both die and are brought before St Peter. There they asked if it would be possible for them to get married in Heaven?
- Okay, wait here, think about whether you really want to be married. I'll be back soon, if you still love each other, I don't mind.
Six months go by and St. Peter appears with a priest by his side:
- Well, my children, what have you decided?
-"We still love each other and we want to get married!" says the boy. But I would like to ask you, if the marriage doesn't work out, can we divorce?
- It took me six months to find a priest up here, how long do you think it would take me to find a lawyer?
....................

The parish priest goes to the district commissioner.
- My dear boy, help me because my bicycle has been stolen. What should I do?
- What, Father? On Sunday, in your sermon, recite the Ten Commandments, and when you get there, "Thou shalt not steal", look carefully, because the one who hides is the thief.
After Mass, the priest goes to the policeman.
- God bless you, dear boy, I have my bicycle.
- Did it happen like I said?
- Almost... I started to recite the commandments, and when I got to the point of "don't commit adultery", I immediately remembered where I had left my bike.
...................

The priest and the bus driver are knocking at the gates of heaven at the same time. St. Peter comes out, has a short conversation with them, and then lets the bus driver in. The priest
asks indignantly:
- And me? You won't let me, who has preached the word of God all my life, in? How can this be?
- Because while you were preaching, everyone was asleep. But while the bus driver was driving, everyone was praying...
.......

Towards the end of the service, the pastor asked his flock:
- How many of you have forgiven those who sinned against you?
All raised their hands except one frail old lady.
- Mrs Jones!? Do you refuse to forgive your enemies?!
- I have no enemies," said the little lady, smiling sweetly.
- 'Madam, that is most unusual. May I ask how old you are?
- 'I am ninety-eight,' said the grey matron.
- 'My dear madam, may I ask you to come out here before the congregation and tell us how it is possible to be nearly a hundred years old and not have a single enemy!
The lovely lady stumbled out beside the pastor, turned to face the congregation, and said just that with an angelic smile:
- I outlived those bastards!

Edith_S · 2022-04-19 02:42:55

Never say NEVER !!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w37ZjlPPsK4

I was a dog person, now I am a full cat person .... they just keep showing up...

Last edited by Edith_S (2022-04-19 02:43:44)

Edith_S · 2022-04-23 06:25:19

Today's rarities:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTUt26n9k_8

Local Gas Station Makes Whole Town Laugh Every Day With The Funniest Signs Ever

.....................

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AS5nr56KpGc

Funny Church Signs That Prove Christians Really Do Have A Sense of Humor!

..........................

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpZT1xYLsf0

This Restaurant Has The Most Hilarious Signs Ever

Edith_S · 2022-04-23 08:00:57

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzmrRpnc3ds

OK, this is tomorrow's treat - don't open it, don't be greedy !!!! I can see you....

Edith_S · 2022-04-25 17:47:02

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuuEuylPCiE

Ricky Gervais Chooses Dogs Over Gods

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gz7rHDQ_6Qg

Hugh Laurie's Funniest Moments! | BBC Comedy Greats

You have the liberty of choosing where to laugh and how many times.

Last edited by Edith_S (2022-04-28 09:42:35)

#1 2022-02-26 18:15:00

Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

#2 2022-02-26 20:39:10

Re: Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

#3 2022-02-27 07:44:09

Re: Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

#4 2022-03-03 14:25:14

Re: Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

#5 2022-03-03 14:30:49

Re: Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

#6 2022-03-06 13:41:46

Re: Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

#7 2022-03-08 12:41:22

Re: Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

#8 2022-03-17 09:17:51

Re: Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

#9 2022-03-17 22:03:05

Re: Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

#10 2022-03-18 04:32:16

Re: Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

#11 2022-03-24 08:06:37

Re: Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

#12 2022-04-02 08:32:30

Re: Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

#13 2022-04-02 09:29:31

Re: Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

#14 2022-04-02 09:39:13

Re: Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

#15 2022-04-03 09:57:31

Re: Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

#16 2022-04-05 14:02:24

Re: Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

#17 2022-04-06 08:36:48

Re: Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

#18 2022-04-13 04:55:41

Re: Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

#19 2022-04-13 06:55:20

Re: Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

#20 2022-04-14 07:23:53

Re: Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

#21 2022-04-18 04:18:33

Re: Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

#22 2022-04-19 02:42:55

Re: Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

#23 2022-04-23 06:25:19

Re: Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

#24 2022-04-23 08:00:57

Re: Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

#25 2022-04-25 17:47:02

Re: Have some Fun just for the H'of it !!!

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